X Marks The Spotify

The campaign for the general election, although only a day old is already stirring up issues many of us have only dreamt of…mostly in nightmares. Cue some dark and dramatic mood music from Spotify whilst you read on.

As a marker the conservatives appear to backing leaving the EU on a deal that is indistinguishable from staying in the EU. Thus raising the question why bother.

Labour wants us to either stay in the EU or leave it. Either way they have massive plans to spend buckets of money buying everything the government does not currently own. Interestingly the money to achieve this involves some very clever maths that is to become part of the national curriculum. You sell your company to the labour government in exchange for several Blue Peter badges and the altruistic chance to make Britain great again. No money need change hands thus avoiding the need for bank charges and shady accountancy firms to be involved.

The conservatives want to leave the EU table but still eat their cake. The competence needed to negotiate a deal was a little spartan within our civil service. They were all trying to work out why smart meters were actually really stupid and why HS2 needed to go north as no one in the government goes there, and anyway none understood what the EU wanted in a deal. It was all in French and double Dutch they said.

The liberals comprise of anyone who fell or was pushed out of their own party. Some ricocheting through several other parties en route. They believe the word referendum is very, very rude and should never be mentioned in public unless you put money in a cuss box.

The Brexit party want to leave the EU as it was their idea first and nobody else should mess it up, least of all the British public. They don’t have any plans beyond that. That’s all they have to say on this matter as Donald Trump hasn’t yet sent them a tweet as to what to say next.

The SNP want to remain in the EU, leave the UK, rebuild Hadrian’s wall and double the price of haggis before Burn’s night. They are furious someone nerd mentioned the need for an English backstop to do this. They pointed out that nobody from London goes to Scotland so the guys in Westminster would ever notice they had left.

The Welsh want everyone to know they are furious about what’s going on just as soon as they understand what actually is going on.

The clearest route ahead is promoted by ex labour MP’s who said whatever we do vote conservative as labour have already ordered several hundred statues of Karl Marx and Leo Trotsky to be stuck on the front of every train and power station chimney. Some really tiny ones will flow out in the water from ours taps like smart water.

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