Cost Effective Departures

on April 5 | in Obscura | by | with No Comments

I am currently working on a plan for the inevitable demise, at some unknown and hopefully distant point in the future, before you ask. With funeral costs being a chunky drain on resources, even though ultimately being slightly detached from the process I want a minimalist financial scheme that befits my approach to many projects. I sense many heads already nodding.

Spontaneous human combustion appears the ideal solution. Saves energy, and after the smoke has cleared, the environment. It saves trees as  little need for a coffin although come to think of it any timber involved could speed the process. Timing is crucial. If you are inside a box you may well have lost the spontaneous option.  The trick is how to invoke the process at will. The are some fine legal lines at play. If you fit some initiation device it becomes suicide. Stuffing your pockets with fire lighters in readiness moves you into the realms of  immolation. I had to check the spelling of this process. Originally I misspelt it as emoliation. My understanding of this form of disposal requires vast application of body lotion to render the body totally soft and squelchy so to be unable to sustain life, but people would notice. I also rejected the technique as being altogether a truly ponsey end. People would need to stick fingers or indeed a stick into the gloop to check for life signs. This would be unacceptable.

Desiccation  involves somewhere hot and and a total abstention from all fluids. I could sense the inevitable and and succumbing to an overwhelming desire for a beer, generally around five pm. would scupper this approach.

Falling from a great height was equally negated. As a lifelong sufferer of vertigo any voluntary intention to put vertical distance between me and Mother Earth would be abhorrent and easily spotted. Also the residue would need some form of scraping-up which would be at odds with the low cost preference .

Drowning, in some distant ocean location so as to avoid washing up inappropriately could also mean decomposition and ultimately  the process of bursting. The thought of some swimming aquatic thing then have a feast and ultimately pooing me out is definitely not an option.

Back on the drawing board it looks like spontaneously combusting is the only method that ticks all the boxes. Mediation, yoga or Pilates have so far failed miserably to reveal the ignition trigger. So has the identity of a location.  Need somwhere handy but clearly not next to a fire station and somewhere where the ash can be easily swept up or blown aside. Things to do yet.






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