X Marks The Spotify

The campaign for the general election, although only a day old is already stirring up issues many of us have only dreamt of…mostly in nightmares. Cue some dark and dramatic mood music from Spotify whilst you read on.

As a marker the conservatives appear to backing leaving the EU on a deal that is indistinguishable from staying in the EU. Thus raising the question why bother.

Labour wants us to either stay in the EU or leave it. Either way they have massive plans to spend buckets of money buying everything the government does not currently own. Interestingly the money to achieve this involves some very clever maths that is to become part of the national curriculum. You sell your company to the labour government in exchange for several Blue Peter badges and the altruistic chance to make Britain great again. No money need change hands thus avoiding the need for bank charges and shady accountancy firms to be involved.

The conservatives want to leave the EU table but still eat their cake. The competence needed to negotiate a deal was a little spartan within our civil service. They were all trying to work out why smart meters were actually really stupid and why HS2 needed to go north as no one in the government goes there, and anyway none understood what the EU wanted in a deal. It was all in French and double Dutch they said.

The liberals comprise of anyone who fell or was pushed out of their own party. Some ricocheting through several other parties en route. They believe the word referendum is very, very rude and should never be mentioned in public unless you put money in a cuss box.

The Brexit party want to leave the EU as it was their idea first and nobody else should mess it up, least of all the British public. They don’t have any plans beyond that. That’s all they have to say on this matter as Donald Trump hasn’t yet sent them a tweet as to what to say next.

The SNP want to remain in the EU, leave the UK, rebuild Hadrian’s wall and double the price of haggis before Burn’s night. They are furious someone nerd mentioned the need for an English backstop to do this. They pointed out that nobody from London goes to Scotland so the guys in Westminster would ever notice they had left.

The Welsh want everyone to know they are furious about what’s going on just as soon as they understand what actually is going on.

The clearest route ahead is promoted by ex labour MP’s who said whatever we do vote conservative as labour have already ordered several hundred statues of Karl Marx and Leo Trotsky to be stuck on the front of every train and power station chimney. Some really tiny ones will flow out in the water from ours taps like smart water.

Time To Build The Front Line Team


Theresa May is certainly showing her metal. And her timing is just about right. If you are about to embark on a lengthy campaign you need to ensure you have the right people in the right places to win the war. At the moment she is surrounded by many whom fail to accept the inevitable. Britain has only one way to go now and needs generals who can make decisions to the common good without endless committees, soothsayers and objectors.

An election should do the trick, and perhaps with renewed strength she could start with pruning the Lords. The recent BBC documentary showed the majority to be time expired or never show up. Perhaps limit the number to 100 and called them Lord Cent’s, make them full time employees, and ditch the rest.

Echoing a previous thought, now is the time to stand up and be counted, and any remoaners should be granted conscientious objector status and relocated to Scotland for the duration.

As a reflection of the crass news that abounds, it should be noted a British lady who has lived the past 20 years in Brussels has obtained a Belgium passport. This staggering piece of news is right up there with the fact I have started a new tube of toothpaste today. I perhaps should mention it is Colgate toothpaste, one from their bewildering selection of 10, each claiming some weird and wonderful new attribute to make teeth sparkle.