How to maximise DVD viewing

Although the trend is to watch films via download or streaming services there is still a lot of fun to be had by watching a video.

There are ways to extract every last inch of a DVD viewing benefits. Normally we watch and forget after which the DVD gets shoved in a drawer or on a shelf. Actually, the shelf is a great idea to impress visitors. They get to see what a broad-minded, cosmopolitan soul you are. You can drop a few steers in this direction with the purchase of a couple of eclectic productions you have no intention of watching. Just make sure you have removed the cellophane wrapper, always a giveaway.

In quiet moment mainly whilst ‘match of the day’ – again fills the airways you pop the DVD into the player and off you go. This is where the fun starts. You need to carefully watch the opening credits; all that bumpf about who produced the film that no one apart from the producer cares about, especially when there are five of the beggars. Now you watch around 10 minutes of the film and nod off. At random intervals, you wake, watch a few more minutes and nod off again.

As you perfect the technique like the pro like me you can watch the opening and closing credits with n’owt in between. This is utopia. I have watched one movie six times. Once for the first 15 minutes then skipped to the closing credits. The second attempt allowed to watch the middle bit, this was topped up by another 30 minutes towards the end, and so on. OK, I was constantly trying to fathom out the plot. This led to all manner of conjecture. Mostly false but after the fifth viewing it finally made sense, just. By now the intended 100 minutes run time had been extended to around 500 minutes. Result.

I have extended the technique to include foreign language films. Normally you need to stay awake if they are subtitled which can be a bind. But I have just ploughed my way through a comedy in French, again. The first viewing taxed the schoolboy french a tad but I followed the plot, I thought. To check I bought another copy this time in English, only it wasn’t. Thank you, Amazon. The second viewing brought more of the plot into focus. But then hitting the wrong button on the remote to eject the thing opened up some HTML code, and you really don’t want to mess with that stuff. But it then said, in French do you want the subtitles En Angleterre, which I found intriguing; why would you ask this question in French? Anyhow a swift click and I watched the blighter for the third time but now with English subs. Result. Three viewing for the price of one and my interpreation of the plot was 85% correct. Result again as I was pretty carp at French at school. Long story.

Alistair Owens

The meandering thoughts of someone with too much time on his hands. Tending to see the obscure and irrelevant in most events I have been forced to record this by family members as a means of diverting attention away from them. But I see their plan.

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