Phone Calls To The Back of the Sofa.

The have’s and have not has become more apparent during the age of technology. Do you have a smart device, does broadband wander into your home, and does it always work. If so then move on to the next snake in the wonderful game of snake and ladders in modern communications.

There is of course a huge age gap with users. At one end the majority of we oldies struggle to grasp the full implications of technology – without a visible sign of caring a jot. We are beholden to the young un’s logic stuff and who then weep at our ineptitude.

Life, beyond that giant leap to answer a phone within the allotted timescale fails to account for the inherent delay whilst the phone is found. Buttons are replaced by shiny images you stroke, press or flick. I have found that younger members of the family factor in time lags to compensate for these ‘find phone’ delays and repeatedly voice frustrations when you finally speak. We are of course not the generation who strap a phone about our person 24/7 indeed.

Next comes the command not to move or sit down for fear that anchoring oneself in a comfortable position or seat may stretch the wifi waves to oblivion. ‘Go stand under the modem and do not move or pass go!’

It’s good to speak and courtesy of the tech guys; allegedly free of charge. Yes I know they are draining data from the call. It’s their right, you agreed to it on page 237 of their terms and conditions, muppet. In case you didn’t there’s another clause written in reverse logic that transforms ‘no’ to mean ‘yes’. Double negatives rule OK. Another reason why learning English language in school is vital if only to turn you into one of those very clever legal guys who wrote the T&C’s in the first place – and then manage to sleep. This takes training and skill.

Most of us try not to stuff a smartphone costing zillions in a vulnerable back-pocket that can accompany us into toilets. No don’t answer it! This also overcomes the abrupt contact with Mother Earth during one of those slipped on one’s arse cracked screen episodes. At least the phone should still work to summons help. See we have thought it through. Thus a key feature of modern life for the time expired is to activate the ‘find my phone’ on a second device. Maybe best not to use your spouse’s phone as it could be in a similar predicament. This facility will reveal phones hidden in nooks, crannies and back of sofa locations in a trice.

And now spellcheck. That delightful function that turns us into gibbering idiots. Take you eye off the ball and this fantastic function will transcribe your inner most thoughts and objectives into lunatic speak ( this is probably non pc) The modern version of Chinese whispers of ‘going to a dance send three and four pence’ and don’t go there by mentioning 5G. This can scare the bejabbers out of young recipients invoking those ‘is he totally loosing it, best start looking for nursing homes moments’.

Alistair Owens

The meandering thoughts of someone with too much time on his hands. Tending to see the obscure and irrelevant in most events I have been forced to record this by family members as a means of diverting attention away from them. But I see their plan.

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