Social Distancing Transport Effect

Scary times ahead when public transport reappears as a travel option.

After years of attempts to get us all to use public transport the restrictions of social distancing (SD) is about to give us a right banger of a headache. Airlines are saying they only make money when their aircraft are full. SD could see every other seat being left unoccupied which causes a conundrum. Pilot and co pilot will have to sit on opposite wings and in seat service will comprise of a trolley on tracks reciprocating up and down the aircraft on a help yourself basis. Window seats guys will be ignored.

Even worse the airport chaps say check in and boarding could take four hours. This means the holding capacity of airports, where we are marshalled through the various sections; immigration, security, duty free, and departure lounge will all have twice the number of people drifting through compared to the current two hours sequence. People will be searching for non existent coffee shops to while away the waiting time.

Security checks will be an endless process. The body frisk being handled from two metres away using long poles, cattle prods and tasers. Your cabin luggage will be a thing of the past as it will be impossible to check so everything will be shoved down a crusher chute – you collect the squashed remains if you must.

Trains will be equipped with 36 carriages. On certain routes the train will stretch the length between two stations, thus allowing you to walk down the length of the train, get your hour’s exercise in, without the train moving.

To avoid the poor driver buses will need you to enter via the middle door (if it has one) and leave via the emergency exit window at the back. If it hasn’t got a middle door you need to wait for the next one etc.

Cars will need to use every other car park places. This will be marvellous news to the twats in big SUV’s and fancy motors who already park using this principle. Insurance claims for supermarket trolley dings will be eliminated.

Alistair Owens

The meandering thoughts of someone with too much time on his hands. Tending to see the obscure and irrelevant in most events I have been forced to record this by family members as a means of diverting attention away from them. But I see their plan.

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