TV’s That Do The Washing

Having watched far too much Tv during the covid siege reality has become merged with science fiction. Dreamt, I think, that you could bung dirty washing into the TV screen and it will wash your clothes whist you’re watching TV.

The scary bit is if I accidentally come to try this out, hopefully in private when the futility of the quest will go unobserved, striding into the lounge with a handful of dirty smalls could cause a serious discussion. Self isolation could take on an additional dimension. But then again the process could this be something of the future. Apparently modern house sizes are around 33% smaller than their equivalents build in the 1970’s, thus space saving devices will be at a premium. Thus my TV- washing machine could be a real boon. Since having this rare futuristic insight I have added a microwave facility to the TV. Now you watch your favourite programme, change channel to watch how the washing is coming on and again to see how your pizza is cooking, all in full HD.

Actually whilst having a brainstorm with the future it is quite scary to realise how slowly some features in life at home haven’t changed at all. Let’s ignore communications technology, which has changed everything including itself; Phones, cordless phones, cell phones, smartwatches. The basic thing about washing clothes is hasn’t changed for hundreds maybe thousands of years. Picture a woman (man are crap at washing properly, as I am told, never ever think a reasonably respond to a missed bit in the washing up is “I’ll catch it next time around’)

Picture a woman at work washing in the 1100’s. She finds a flat stone in a stream, soaks the clothing adds some soap and slaps the clothes against the stone – or with a stone for those stubborn stains, and then rinses it in the stream. The only difference to the present is a machine does this for you, yet the technique adopted by the machine still tumbles the clothes in water, bashing them together. But help is at hand. My multifunctional TV is going to have sonic microwave clothes washing process, no water or massive agitation. Unfortunately it is going to be as boring as hell watching the process – even worse than clothes rotating in a current washing machine drum. Fear not I have added led lights that will pulse in time with the music soundtrack that will play in full surround sound. The lights will change colour as the wash cycle progresses.

I really have to stop watching so much TV.

Alistair Owens

The meandering thoughts of someone with too much time on his hands. Tending to see the obscure and irrelevant in most events I have been forced to record this by family members as a means of diverting attention away from them. But I see their plan.

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