Zoom But Not As Fat Larry’s Band Intended

In 2010 Fat Larry’s band launched a single called Zoom. Yeah you remember it and if you clicked on the link you now have an ear worm – but with lyrics that you could actually understand.

The other Zoom, an app that will probably win the Noble peace prize for saving families from total disintegration during the covid-19 utter nastiness. In the process of using the app we are speaking into smart devices pretending we know how to conduct live TV interviews and make lucid comments that will entrap your fellow zoomers; the other guys hanging on to your every word. We have entered a world of camera shots that squint up your nose, feature the over head shot bald spot you never knew you had, why did nobody say! Oh and very tinny sounding microphones. Clearly you also need to remember a loo break needs some etiquette.

My wife has latched onto pilates classes via Zoom. The initial lesson was magic. Picture the scene of 10 senior ladies all hooking on to the service for the first time. Camera angles that were unflattering, heads cut off, people facing the wrong way, cameras facing the wrong way giving interesting shots of a picture on an empty wall. Next the speaker pop up to full screen; I can only see just me says one, now it’s me says another, whose that? oh hang on- it’s my body but the heads missing? I can’t hear anyone, shit I still can’t hear anyone but, the rest of the group, can! Then a group call out; the screens have all gone black, as Mabel’s rather large rear end passes up close and personal to her camera as she noisily repositions.

And the lesson begins, maybe 15 minutes behind schedule as the class gains competence. Then the ultimate no no. Pilates like Yoga has a tendency to expel excess gas at moments of significant bending stress. The protocol is to ignore the interruption whist the miscreant has the option to express apologies without any accusative stares. Zoom has added a new dimension. The slightest guff immediately features the offender full and centre like some finger of fate.

Enter now a family pet dog, intrigued by the antics of its owner decides to join in. The tandem version of the downward dog can never be unseen!

Alistair Owens

The meandering thoughts of someone with too much time on his hands. Tending to see the obscure and irrelevant in most events I have been forced to record this by family members as a means of diverting attention away from them. But I see their plan.

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