Brave New World

The lockdown has created the opportunity to challenge the status quo in nearly all areas of life as we knew it. Except Banks, they have their own way of doing things as ever. One for you, two for me.

Despite the Governments’ intention to deflate the North South divide there is risk such plans all disappear down the plug hole.

The need for vast borrowings to support the covid-19 onslaught could scupper the localised investment. Thus the Government will need to resort to gestures which imply their intention to resolve things on a longer term basis.

Cloth caps would be worn de rigour in the smoke. Parliament to shift to Birmingham and save the need for a multi billion £ refurbishment of the House of Commons. This to be turned into a theme park, hotel, or a truly massive Weatherspoons pub to house 15 customers on social distancing. The lords would move the York. The need for their current £320 a day allowances to cover lavish meals and fancy wines would be replaced with a £5 voucher for a pint, pie and peas. The ermine shawls would come in handy to keep warm during the frozen north’s winter.

The HS2 would be re routed to go direct to York from London so the travelling elderly Lords would not have to change and/or get lost. The faster trains would arrive before the Lords nodded off. Each train would have one coach devoted as a toilet block to accommodate weakened bladders and prostate issues. Debates on the format of the toilets; male female, unisex, transgender etc could be held en route. The keys to the toilets being withheld until they have unanimously agreed. Should be secured by Willsden..

All 47 different police forces to be merged to form PLOD UK. County boundaries, 47 separate Chief Constables and Police Commissioners (whatever they are) to be issued with Tasers and entered into a fight to the last one standing. This to be held in a social distanced arena to select the Head Of Police England (HOPE). All Police vehicles to common issue made in the UK by Land Rover. The savings made from the changes to fund the costs of an extra 50,000 policemen.

All teachers who over the years demanded laptops, PC’s. interactive whiteboards and tablets in school to keep up with teaching techniques in the modern world, to be asked – what the hell happened during the lockdown to distance learning for kids.

The High Street is knee deep in stock and shops. What they haven’t got are customers. Rumours abound shops will dump stock at crazy prices to create room in warehouses and pay bills from the proceeds. Like all rumours this lacks a bit of credibility; paying bills, really?

Airlines have too many aircraft and no passenger to stick in them. For once with depressed oil prices the fuel surcharges on your ticket price are irrelevant but these will be replaced by a cleaning charge. Bring your own sanitising gel – to be shown at the boarding gate along with your passport else you cannot get on. ‘No we don’t believe the security guards ditched your gel at the X-ray’. Everyone will using cars to avoid public transport so airports will make a mega fortune charging drop and pick up fees.

Picnickers, fly tipper and anyone spitting at the police will be give six months sentence to work on farms picking veggies and strawberries. Swabs to be taken at the end of the day to calculate how many strawbs they have stolen/eaten, this to be converted into extra days works added to their sentence.

Planks who drive through restricted roads at twice the speed limit because the roads are so quiet to have one wheel removed or have wheel barrow tyres fitted rated at 5 mph. All cyclists to have a mandatory bell fitted and fined if they do not use it whilst overtaking pedestrians at speed from behind. Twats. Joggers to have an elasticated bungee cord with a dangling loop fitted to the waist. This allows pedestrians, whom they have passed and ignored social distancing, to grab the loop, stretch and release the bungee as they run pass. This will thwack the jogger up the arse bringing their misdemeanour into abrupt sharp focus.

And I’ve only just begun. Brave new world.

Alistair Owens

The meandering thoughts of someone with too much time on his hands. Tending to see the obscure and irrelevant in most events I have been forced to record this by family members as a means of diverting attention away from them. But I see their plan.

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