Heating Fails To Land Me In Hot Water

The day started well, sun came up as expected etc. and then the central heating system decided to have a bad hair day, big time.

The central nervous system in charge of all manner of wonderful electronic functions to make life easier and give a much wider range of control from merely that of a primeval on/off capability – went berserk. Using a combination of wifi and radio signals designed to transform your life and energy management it provides creature comfort whilst saving the planet. Until it all goes belly up.

A severe touch of the n’adgers announced the unauthorised departure from the schedule. It was bloody freezing outside – and now inside . Took a while for this to register, standing looking out of the window first thing, cup of tea in hand, the adverse status finally caught up and the brain fed an emergency message through. Summat a’int right on the temperature front. Tooties were turning blue etc.

The heating operating instructions proved a marvel in minimised information. A combination of diagrams, bearing little resemblance to reality supported by ‘one liners’ of text in 30 languages, all printed on a single folded piece off paper. Ironically these provided scant immediate help but strangely presented an engaging game like a buried treasure map with tiny clues as what one might have to do.

The sleuthing progressed to reveal a series of buttons to push, batteries to be removed and reinserted, switching of the system off and back on again. Following this the process to synchronise the room thermostat to the zone controller via radio signal and hence to the boiler, and then via wifi to the system provider’s server. Well you did ask. Fun and games that lot turned out to be.

This all occurred in the midst of freezing weather and was clearly all my fault, according to witnesses. Anyway after much bad language which even I was surprised I knew, the system started to behave on the basis that it had by now proven it held the upper hand and only switched on to prove the point.

Do you remember the good old days when a room stat was hard wired to the boiler and just switched on and off.

Alistair Owens

The meandering thoughts of someone with too much time on his hands. Tending to see the obscure and irrelevant in most events I have been forced to record this by family members as a means of diverting attention away from them. But I see their plan.

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